tears led to clarity and vision

I had a dreadful four day weekend off from work. It was the longest Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday of my life. I carefully made sure that I would not run into my mother this whole weekend, who too, was off from work. Darn!

Why the avoidance? I clearly, tried to evacuate from any form of contact with the woman. Why? ugh...

Its a money issue. Sadly, my humble, little family, has been struck and victimized by this awful economy. Bush I hope your happy! Asshole! My savings have been completely wiped out, due tooo? who knows what? failed Avon business, record high gasoline prices, (thank- God for the breather, we are at a medium of $2.25 a gallon) added expenses, and an uncontrollable, untamable desire and need for coffee. Yes, I overdid it, on the Latte Factor, David Bach, tuition fees, books, oh baby... the list goes on.

So my little avoidance scheme did pretty well, til the last day, I assumed my mother was planning to go to work that Monday evening. With this screwed up economy, her hours probably got cut too. So she was home asleep, when I came home from school, thinking I was off the hook. I took advantage and got on the computer anxious to see what job sites were offering.

Surfing the web, and discovering all these wonderful job opportunities, I get hit! BAM! WAM!
"When are you going to give me money Khrrrissstinaaa???!" she yelled.
Subconsciously, rolling my eyes, I timidly replied, "...this Friday..."

Oh man, I was a perfect target! She got me. Our argument slash discussion fumed for about an hour. I cried.

Its been a while since I've seriously cried. Tears were most likely caused by frustration, pain, anguish and bitterness.

Noticeably, all of these emotions have been building up. Tension was circling our home, my room, my car, the workplace and admittedly church too. I wasn't surprised. I have been alright for the last year or two barely making it financially, till the economy really started to affect us.

I thought, I was going to fall into another element of depression, but fortunately, I gained strength from that whole argument. I hate feeling like the victim in these arguments. Honestly, I do. My family, needs me as much as I need them. Since I am the oldest, I need to step it up a notch. In doing so, I cried some more and made a quick phone call to my dear friend Erika.

I quickly expressed my pains and she automatically put a smile on my face. Like she always does.

After our conversation, I went back downstairs and continued my job search. Wow! and when I saw this I couldn't believe it either! There was an opening for Department Secretary for the city of Los Angeles. The paying salary was like 3000-5000 a month. Which for me is terrific. I was so happy to see that!

I did other research and looked at various Law Firms in the LA/OC area and saw and opening for HR Assistant. At this point, I'm totally stoked out! My eyes were gleaming of hope and excitement. After all that job searching, I decided to check in for the evening.

Almost every evening, I always curl up with a book and snuggle with my downs comforter, and just read. The book, I gravitated to was, "The Positive Principle Today" by Vincent Norman Peale. He wrote the best selling book, "The Power of Positive Thinking." I have had that book for some time now and haven't had the chance or need to read it. I read about 10 pages and then continued to reflect on my life, my relationships, and my dreams. The fight that went on earlier dawned on me and clearly that argument was a blessing in disguise. It fueled my passion!

I began dreaming of my journey as a successful woman, with a bachelors' in Business Administration and Real Estate Law, a masters' in Business Administration and along with all that to top it all off, a judicial degree. Hopefully, I'll be able to teach part-time in Los Angeles, be a part time real estate agent in a brokerage that I own, help do research for a law firm that my husband, will own and manage, and drive my mom out to see me, with a choffer included. And buy her a Subway franchise too. Plan vacations with family, plan shopping trips to New York, Paris, London with the bestest of my girlfriends, and plan to live and be happy and never to forget to strive for what is in store for myself and anyone part of me. These thoughts emulated my mind, with clarity, peace, hope and forgiveness of myself, for not trying harder and for my mother, who only strengthened me til it hurt.

And I felt so great and positive inside that I had to write this blog.